A First in L and P

Tonight's one of those nights when out-of-the-blue, some overly random and shocking thing would happen to me. 

So I did my usual routine of checking my SNS [social networking sites] and that includes Facebook, Blogspot, Tumblr, LiveJournal, Twitter, Wordpress, and Cyworld. And while I was browsing one of those sites, someone just left me a message, saying: "kamusta?" For a while i was just staring at the name that registered there. To be honest, I was actually suppressing a smile! So before I knew it, I was exchanging messages with the person. I can't help but smile and laugh each time because our conversation was just like our usual conversation way back in high school. The feeling was effin weird. I felt so happy because after so many years of no communication of any form, I finally had the opportunity to talk to that person. But at the same time, I felt like crying because I was having flashbacks at that moment. The feeling was totally weird. I was having mixed emotions and flashbacks at the same time so I literally had a lot of things going on my head. And I realized that: "no matter how you try to forget the past, it will always comes back to you no matter what because you experienced that ONCE and its your memory FOREVER." Because I seriously thought that I was over it...but hell., I was wrong...

That person WAS [and maybe IS still] the rainbow that paints my life with a lot of colors. 

He was my friend, my brother, my father, my counselor. I learned a lot of things from him - - mostly about life and love.

He was [and maybe IS still] the sky my eyes loved to stare at. And he aided in some transformation in me. From him, I learned:

• how to love without expecting anything in return
• how to appreciate the importance every little things that we usually ignore
• how to stay composed even if I'm freakin chaotic inside
• how to give without looking for a reason to do so
• how to sacrifice one's interest for the betterment of more people
• how to gracefully accept failure and see it's good points
• how to hold on and let go at the right moment

I don't know, but when we separated for some valid reasons that I chose to accept as the inevitable, I felt my spirit burst into nothingness. It's like inside there's a black hole that needs to be patch up or else it would sip me whole. It took me a year and a half to finally face myself in the mirror and manage to say that: "I'm really fine." Although the Christmas season would always make me feel happy and sad at the same time, thinking of him doesn't make me cry or feel like crying anymore. Instead, reminiscing always make me smile and feel lucky to have met him even for a while.

Although this night gave me quite a shock (I did said his message rattled my stable emotions, right?) I'll thank God for giving me a chance to communicate again with him. At least, now I know that I'm not totally over his shadow and a part of me is still clinging to either the love I felt during that time or the pain I felt after that...

Hm...but God is truly good 'cause he placed me in my current situation just when I'm sure that I'm no longer "17" 'cause if I met "37" again during the time when I'm still trying to pull myself out of the quick sand --which is my hold to my feelings for "17" -- I'll most probably end up in another situation I'm gonna hate. At least, at this point in time, I'm sure of what I truly feel and even if "17" would come back - - which I'm a hundred percent sure, he will not - -I would just graciously turn my back on him with a smile on my face...